Intel Inside

LondonBuki

2008-04-14T02:09:00.000-07:00

I never met her. At least not physically but the pain still hurts worse than a toothache.
God is Sovereign. Who are we to question his will?
The lord will be with you and comfort you. We won't stop the prayers.
Take care Buki.

Comment Moderation...Finally

2007-05-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

I'll defend anybody's rights to speak freely to express himself without fear of reprimand or worse. It's something i strongly beleive in..
Every human wants to be heard, ...heck, need to be heard. What's the point of being alive if you can't articulate your thoughts/emotions clearly without fear. It's a God given right.

That's why i have a Blog. And i should be allowed to say what the heck i want to say, however i want to say it, spell any word the way i want to(Okay, i no sabi spell So why you come dey squezee face? Shio.) Wetin i dey talk sef? Yeah, shebi, it's my Blog and i can do what the fcuk i want, no restrictions and if you want to comment you can say what the heck you damn well please. Nothing do you.

So it is with a heavy heart and gratitude to God for a life well spent i announce the Blogituary...(Who invented the word sef Tminx?) of free jagga jagga talk on my Blog.

I don't mind mofo's saying rubbish on my Blog but hacking my shit??? Posting comments as Babaalaye? WTF? I know you're Jobless and all, and you're screwing the Shop girl at the Business Centre at Ojuelegba or something. So you get free internet time but that's way over the line. Do something constructive with your e- life. Write Poetry and submit your shit...You might win you never know, Trade FOREX online, find an online Girlfriend, hack a porn site, Sell your mother's old smoky Kerosene stove on e-bay.... warrever, but stop fucking impersonating people. There's life outside Blogger. Get a life!!!

So here's to comment moderation. I hate the shit but i guess it's necesary (Did i spell that right?)
Wo, na you know jo.

So Alaye back to work. I miss those laid back days...Buffie the body, Blogger ,Manchester united football forums, Talking on the phone all day, and leaving at 5 p.m on the dot.... *sigh*

No Vex

2007-05-22T02:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry Guys i've been MIA again.

There's so much going on now at work. Sometimes i think i need more than 24 hours just to cross out half of my "to do" list. Every day now na problems, issues, meetings...in fact i dey do meetings pass winch sef. I hope it all eases up soon.
And all that free food.. HELP! I'm gonna be fat.

Olawunmi, TM...Hmmn, What's with the oyinbo boy? Adaure, CG, Bella, FunmiI, Mr.Fineboy, Toks Boy(Egbon mi), 36 inches..Congrats girl. See u at the top.

Everybody else one love.

In the meantime hola at your boy babaalaye1@hotmail.com.

I go update soon. I Promise

Danfo Head. (The Update)

2007-04-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

I didn't fire him!!!
I so badly wanted to. I swear i really, really wanted to. I summoned him upstairs to my office and he came eating an Apple. I was mad!!!. Now, there's nothing wrong in eating an Apple at work or anything. To be honest if any other person had walked into my Office eating an Apple i wouldn't have batted an eyelid. I could even crack a joke like "are you trying to lose weight or we're just not paying you enough" blah blah. But this guy mehn, he's just the pants. I was just irritated just seing that black face and round grotesque shape.and he come dey make some kain pig -like sounds and i could imagine Saliva dripping on my floor.Omo, the guy dey hideous.Remember Tin Tin?, Snowy the dog and Captain Haddock? Remember the time they went to Congo and there were those Very black Pygmies with bulgy eyes, and big red lips? Ehen, come imagine that kain person for my office they chop apple.

So of course now, i told him to please go out and come back when he was done having lunch.
Then he said "Ah this is not lunch o, I've already had lunch(Rubbing his disgusting tummy as he's talking) this is just Desert" ha,ha,ha,.
I just had this dead pan expression on my face and i was wondering what was so funny? I didn't crack a joke, you didn't crack a joke, so why are you laughing??? What the hell is so funny?
I wonder why people do that rubbish. I ask a question, then you answer with a short laugh, and you're rubbing your hands together nervously at the end of your statement.This guy does it a lot, My Driver does the same thing too. And a couple other people.I don't get it it just looks very shifty to me. I see a lot of people do that stupid laugh around my Father, and these are grown ass succesful Men.
Long thing sha, i just dey there dey look the guy just staring at him and not saying anything. Then he started fidgeting.
The Idiot now started digging his own grave. "Ehn, We will win the Presidential Election he, he, he, I know so and so doesn't stand a chance" At this point my face went from a Blank stare to Murderous look. He quickly shut up mid-sentence and his mouth was opening and closing like Eja Titus.
I could have strangled him. Idiot! Who is "We" do i know you before? Eranko! Presidential ko? PDP ni.
If this guy knew a little bit about me, he'd know i never discuss Politics at work as in NEVER. It's a taboo subject for me.
At that moment i wanted badly to throw his ugly ass out the Window, but i couldn't erase the picture of his wife from my mind. She's one of those quiet, soft spoken women with very sad eyes. She looked like someone life had dealt many blows and most of the blows i'm sure had been delivered by the Sugomu standing in front of me with a half eaten apple looking like an Atoole(Bed wetter).
Picture this. You know when the Bible says patience and long-suffering? Ehen, that's the Woman.
It's a good thing a few people talked about his family in the comments section of the original post because omo, i wasn't even thinking along those lines. I just wanted to get rid of the Baboon.
Only say I would have been unleashing a demon both into the unemployment Market and most Dangerously into his home. Shey man wey no take care of his wife when plenty money dey wetin go come happen when e no get work? The poor woman go just die.( I wonder what he does with his money tho'. 'Cause he's really quite well paid.)

Sha, i just read the guy the Nigerian Riots act and when i saw that i had put the fear of God in his bone marrows, i told him to scram. I also told him that ehn, if he as much as imply, not threaten o, just imply any sort of retribution for Danfo head, He'll be up in my office discussing his lack of a Termination Package.

My Thoughts at 1300hrs(Lagos Mean Time)

2007-04-19T06:51:00.000-07:00

I got an Email from a guy who had a Stapler hurled at him by one of my Managers.
I promptly picked up the Phone and called him up.
He walks in to my office, and i can see the fear in his eyes. He was half quivering and stuttering.

Alaye: Hi J. (I'm smiling so i can put him at ease.*I could be a scary Mofo sometimes*)

J: Good Morning Sir.

Alaye:I got your Email tell me what happened.

J: My Manager, Mr.D Wanted a report ready for a meeting at 9 this morning, i handed it to him and he said it wasn't professionally done.

Alaye:(I'm thinking to meself this guy doesn't look the tardy sort)So what now happeneed?

J: He lost his Temper sir, and flung the Stapler on his Desk at my head.

Alaye:(True true the guy head be like front of Danfo Bus. But That one no be enough reason for Assault ke?)
Alaye: J, I'm sorry this happened. He had no right whatsoever to do that. There are laid down policies against Assault and discrimination in this company. Yadda yadda....I assure you i will deal with this issue ok?

J: Thank you Sir.

Alaye: Let me see the head. (At this point i half expected a Bus conductor to pop out of his right ear. The guy head really be like Danfo wallahi)
Alaye: Sorry 'bout that Son.(feeling bad yet suppressing a chuckle. Omo the head ehn!!)
Alaye: Tell you what Mate, Take the rest of the day off. Grab some pain killers, and get some rest okay?

J: Thank you Sir, God Bless you sir.

As the Guy closed the door. two thoughts crossed my mind. Which kain country be this wey grown ass intelligent man go dey fear like this? Anywhere else in the world we'll get slammed with a law suit faster than you can jump off a moving yellow bus. For crying out loud you just frigging got assaulted in the frigging office. Not just a Slap, but you got a damned Stapler thrown right at your head like a Baseball.Forget the fact that your head be like Ojuelegba Danfo Bus.No be your fault now? Shebi na so your Papa born you. It's no excuse for that happening....No matter how tempting.

Secondly the Stapler hurling Manager must have a Nerve.Apparently he must have been doing this for a while and he's gotten used to it and thinks he can get away with it. The sonofa has got another think coming.
This same idiot ehn, his middle name ought to be inept. As in if you tell am anything he go repeat am to you like Parrot with mouth diarrhoea?(abeg i no fit spell diarhoeea jo. Leave me.)After he repeat am finish, he'll now go ahead and do the exact opposite of what you told him. And the worst i've ever done to him is shout and scream at his sheer stupidity.Yet he fit throw stapler at ol'Danfo head. A guy wey get wife and one Daughter for houose o,a guy wey get Master's Degree o, no be Driver or Cleaner o. So imagine wetin he go do im House girl for house now.Or even his wife sef.

I go show am pepper. I'm waiting for him to roll his big black ugly tummy in from lunch. Mofo is always eating Fufu every damned day.Wears some cheap ass Oshodi packet shirt, and insists the guys under him call him Chief D. (Oloshi, Were town Council).
If he talks trash peren, i might just fire his Polyester wearing ass. We'll see....

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear

2007-04-16T00:44:00.000-07:00

Very sincere apologies for going MIA on you guys. It's really been an unbeleivable couple of months. So much has happened to write a whole book about sef.

I haven't Blogged simply because some idiot with no yansh at work found my Blog and sent the URL to my Ogas at work. This was the week after i got promoted to being an Oga myself. So to say it was messy was an understatement. Especially since i said some not too nice things about some certain people in the past, and me sef i dey go mis yarn about starring at Buffie the body(phew!), and Man Utd at work.

Infact o serious gan. The Chick who blew the whistle was someone i thought i was cool with, I dated her kid sister way, way back when she was at D'Bells, Got her out of trouble at work, when her car was bad i gave her my car and driver for two whole weeks and i was driving myself to work. Bought her lunch a couple of times, and even hooked her desperate, buck toothed, no booty, ass up with a couple of Guys who were several leagues ahead of her. And she still stabbed be in the back. Wetin you want make i do again? Omo, Your Enemies are closer than they appear. Believe that. I'm not mad 'cause i still got the Job, I didn't have to take my Blog down, I'm still twenty times better paid than your broke ass, and most importantly, when the Big Boys with their fancy SUV's leave your apartment at night and head home to their wives, your sorry 34 year old self will have only Dubai gold and Prada shoes for company. Hope your Duvet keeps you warm and happy. Were Alaso. I know you are reading this, so sue me i don't care. Shio!

Anyway sha, apart from the fact that i almost got my Contract at work Terminated, and a few death threats from Abuja, (On top this same Blog o. Mo daran!), Getting stabbed in the back, getting promoted at work with big bucks Yay!!, Bukky calling me in the middle of the night that she's pregnant.(It wasn't me. lol. Long story...). And getting so busy at work that i can't even eat, get into woman trouble, or even Blog. Apart from all that, I guess not much has changed.

I wont be able to update by Blog that frequently, I'll mostly leave comments on other peoples Blogs And of course i can't mention names anymore for work reasons and also i feel i'm being followed everywhere i drive to. I thought i was loosing it until T, my Driver confirmed it. I went to Abuja for a function a few weeks ago, and for the first time i felt i needed armed security. I got several texts a day before telling me to steer clear of Abuja, to close down my Blog, and blah blah. So here's to you Mr. 0806 *** 5544, i wasn't going to update me Blog but this one's for you. Bring it on i ain't scared. Ode olori gbeske. I never get your time yet.

And yeah i read a couple of Blogs the other day. Mr.Fineboy is totally hilarious, Bimby lads is a riot. I wanted to die of laughter. The two both of you, e o ni pami. Much love to all you guys. Soul, CG, Olawunmi, Ex schoolnerd, Bella, Exceesive, Overwhelmed , Mr.Toks, and every other blogger i missed you guys.
And oh, i found time in my Busy schedule for a smack down. You remember that poetry loving dude that was taking little bites off Alaye's juicy meat?(You know wetin i dey talk now?)
Chei! The guy chop beating no be small. I no fit give full tory. I've gotten into enough trouble already. But dude had it coming. No long thing.

TMINX. I love you so much baby.You know that already but i can't stop saying it. You're the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world.

Be right back

2007-02-22T02:33:00.000-08:00

This is BabaAlaye's Blog mail box.

I'll be unavailable for a while, but please leave your name and a message, and i'll hola back.

Thanks.

I Confess

2007-02-05T03:15:00.000-08:00

To you....

I promise to be there for you.

Through thick and thin.

Sickness and in health

To give you everything you need.

All the name Brands you can Rawk

...all in your favorite color.

all the Green Bags, Green Shoes, Green tops, Green Gele's

all shades of Green, Carribbean green, Forest Green, Mental hospital green, lime green, whatever you want.

We'll go Skiing at St. moritz. We'll pick Seashells at the Turks and Caicos

Breakfast at the Four Seasons,

and back in LGS, we'll park at the side of the road to buy Ikoyi Hotel Suya.

I'll take you to my Favorite spots to eat Amala.

Iya Ruka's at Shitta,

Rice at Bank Olemoh, Roasted corn at Adetokunbo Ademola

Showing your green Hermes bag off at Tukano

and flashing the famous Alaye Daimond on your fourth finger

We'll book a whole floor at the Transcorp Hilton

and make sweet passionate love all night long

and we'll read your Blog over coffee in the morning

and laugh at what Vera's got to rant about this time.

I promise to be attentive to your needs

Just like a Blog husband should.

To listen when you talk.

And to love and hold you and never let you go.

I guess all what i'm trying to say is....

Taurean Minx

Will You Marry Me?

Funk

2007-01-18T23:07:00.000-08:00

I started the year on a calm almost laid back note. Very relaxed and at peace with all mankind after a long ass Holiday.
Unfortunately by the time i got back to work, awon ota had been waiting for me since before Christmas sha! The Idiots just piled up work for me ehn? Even simple stuff that they shoulda dealt with. You'd imagine that grown ass men will take a lil initiative. No be so o. Have you done this one? No we haven't. Have you sorted that one no Sir, we haven't. So what the fcuk have you been doing since i left? Abi which kain ode be this people?

They were just giving me looks like shey na only you sabi go on all expense paid Holidays abi? Anyway me i no ku ku send anyborry. Na for telephone i do my first interview for the job from U.K. And they agreed to fly my ass down for the second interview, and when it was time to talk money and bebefits, omo,i shine my eye well. Car, health benefits, holidays 2x a year (Only one holiday is paid for), Accomodation, well i dey collect the money for accomodation instead. How i go pay that kain money for one landlord for Parkview when me i never build my own house? I look like mumu to you? They say because Jacuzzi dey there. Make e no better for Jacuzzi. Ehn thank you i'm a Bush Egba boy but can i have the cash instead please? Thank you very much.

Anyways bad bells dey for me for that office well well. That's how they wan come form one small union say why dem go dey pay me in USD while the rest of them wey dey do all the work na Naira and Kobos. Well, me i no get answer to that one o. But just maybe na because na Pounds Sterling my Papa take manage pay my School fees, while you dey enjoy the Gofment subsidy 150 naira per Semester fees for University of Ibadan. So i guess it's okay you get paid in Naira and i get paid in if not Pounds Sterling at least US Dollars shey? Fair is fair no? So face your Work Mr.Dada and Mr.Ajewole and the Crew.Make i no vex for you o. Don't attempt to overthrow a professional coup plotter. A word is enough for the wise. I'm not in a good mood so ya'll don't wanna fcuk with me. Ya heard?

Now that's offa my Chest. On the other hand i've been bored, i've been terribly lonely, not due to a lack of company but i no know how i go explain am jare. I don't really feel like hanging out with awon Boys, i'm too swamped with work to Blog, I'm this close to firing five people in my office at the same time. They're so stupidly incompetent, they can't tell a kettle from a piss pot. I might as well do the damned project meself.

There are still loads of chicks orbiting around my sphere but the honest truth is i don't trust them Heiffers. They are all smiles and really nice but you when you look into their eyes the whole picture doesn't add up. Their eyes tell a different story. I for no bother in the old days but to be honest i'm not up for casual sex mehn. I'm ready to hang up my Playa Jersey and pick up a coaching job. Olawunmi, Exhale. It's not written in stone yet. Maybe it's just the way i feel now.

I think the beginning of my Wahala was last weekend. I wanted to get some Coolant at the Mobil petrol station at Lekki. I sent my driver earlier and the Ode queued up with people who were there to buy Petrol. There was a full tank of fuel in the car o. Just buy a bottle of coolant and come back home. 5 minutes max.
Me i don even forget say i send am anywhere sef. The football match wey i dey watch reach half time, second half begin, i dey watch dey go. Like almost at the end of second half it just occured to me to call him. When the call connected the first thing i heard was noise in the background.
My first thought was yepa Oloshi yi ti lo daran. Taiye where are you?
Ehn mo wa ni Filling station sah.
What the Devil is taking you so long???
Ehn! Kew yen o wa very long sah?
Queue for what???
Ehn Kew for petirol sah
What did i send you to buy?
Coolant sah
So why are you on the Petrol queue?
Ehn to buy coolant sah.
At this point i was in histeronics (Soul, i don dey sabi English pass you o lol)
So i told the Bugger Mr. Man ori e o pe o. Kia leave that place now and bring my car back home.
Ehn Oga, they haf block me hia o i can't move the Car.

I was livid. This time, i don pass Histronics na Electronics level i dey(lol)
Omo i just carry two Mobile Police men from by gate enter moto come go rescue my car for all the melee (i love the way the word sounds hehehe).

As i clear road for my moto finish, and was about going back home i saw one guy i knew who was jejely queing up. I can't call him a friend sha although he's been to my house like thrice with other guys. He's a friend of a friend although i can't remember who's friend he was originally. But the guy na one of those quiet, sensitive sort of chap.
So as pe no be my tight paddy paddy like that now, i wasn't about to employ my Agbero skills to help him get petrol. I was just gonna smile and wave to the dude. That's how i looked at the passenger side o, na who i see? Bukky. Which Bukky? The same Bukky now. I first froze for a sec. Na so my mouth come open like aja mi lo pa.
When i come recofer, i first close my mouth slowly come exhale. I come dey get double mind whether make i comot for my moto go meet them to say hi, or make i blank two of them, or make i just wave and smile one kain hypocritical naija smile.
like that. (Shio! pele o. Ambasador for "keeping it real").
Anyway sha, i chose the last option. A 1000 watt smile and a wave later, i was on my way to my empty house.

Make i tell you ehn, if i say the thing no shake me small na lie. If person tell me say Bukky will ever spend hours in the hot sun queing up with a guy for petrol i go woz the person wey talk am.
I'm still in shock i can't figure it out. What does that mean? She really enjoys his company? or what? Abi na love or warrever. It's so friggin' mind boggling. I mean i know,...well i thought she could never ever inconvenience herself for anyone. It was all her about the Sun is too hot, she can't stay in a car without air conditioning yadda yadda. And here she was in the hot sun, with the windows down on a senseless fuel queue, and i'm sure she'd been there for hours with this guy. And she didn't look like she was suffering. In fact was smiling. Maybe laughing at what the idiot Tomi guy said or something.

I knew she had a soft spot for the guy before before sha because there was this one time i had a party at home and all the Agberos, and fake ass wannabee Big boy friends of mine were being loud and boisterous as usual, disturbing the peace. This particular Tomi guy stood out because he looked like one of those quiet sensitive bookish sort. He didn't say much he just sat in one corner of my living room and he was just smiling one kain shy smile like that. So me i just go meet am as pe good host now and asked if he wanted to wack proper correct food like Amala abi Pounded yam or somefink?You know Bukky used to throw down some major orishirishi food now? and he said no that he was fine with the finger food he was eating. Samosa abi wetin dem dey call the thing sef.
I said you're sure? he said yeah sure.
I offered the guy shacks he just smiled and said no say he no dey shack Alcohol.
Wo, me i just leave the guy. I don try now. Wich kain grown ass suegbe Bobo no go shack Alcohol.
What is the meaning of that? That kain person go dey make me feel bad you know? Like say i be Devil pickin. I just leave am go meet my fellow Oniranu boys.
Na so every other guy ignore the Tomi guy o.Abi person wey no like sport, e no dey drink alcohol, e no smoke,e no carry woman come, for inside my house. Wetin e come find now? but as the night wore on i saw Bukky talking to the guy and at that time i was glad because i dey like make everyborry dey feel alright for my Parrys but i just noticed that they were deep in conversation for hours on end, while the rest of us were arguing football, Women, igba, awo, and steadily getting veeery drunk.That's all i remember but the next day i was teasing bukky 'cause she told me the guy was discussing his Favorite poets with her. Me i just went like Shio! Poetry ko, Nursery rhyme ni. I just figured the guy was gay or somefink. Anyway they both sha connected sha but i didn't think nothing of it.
Anyway subsequent times the guy turns up at my shindigs and i honestly can't tell you who invited him 'cause me i no really know but i go just say holler what's up, he go smile that im yeye smile and i go push a bottle of Coke in his arms lol.

Wetin i no come understand na how he come get the liver to de wakka around town with Bukky.
Well i don't have a right to tell her who to date or what not. As a matter of fact i'm not even sure if they're dating. I mean i just saw them both on a fuel line. But Bukky would never do that on a good day. Not even for her Close girlfriends. Hmmm!!!
But at least she for get the decency to find someborry out of my circle now haba!!!
The Tomi Guy stays on the same Lekki stretch. Of course we're gonna jam each other every once in a while ke abi?
The Guy sef no dey fear but hey, i'm sure he was comforting her while she was heartbrokeen and just being a "friend in need". And now they're doing this closer than close rubbish.
What a wimp. Or maybe she's been able to force a wedding proposition out of him sef. Who knows maybe that's why she dey go queue for station with am. Warrever abeg.

And no, i don't want her back because even if she come back sef i still no go marry am. I'm not feeling her like that. Or am i? I no Know sef. I'm just messed up in the head right now.
Might be because she looked so happy and contented, and me i'm well... kinda feelin lonely and vulnerable right about now.
I wish them the best. She's a good girl, he's a good sensitive lad i'm sure they'll be picture perfect for each other. Duh!!! (Excuse me, i wanna puke my guts out)
I wish i hadn't seen them both tho'. They messed up my head and my peace of mind.
I'm craving another Turks and Caicos holiday now. Just to walk on the Sand 'till my head clears.

TO YOU

You've been in my head for way too long. Please get out of my head. You're not real. You're just a couple of words intricately woven together on Blogger.
I can't get you outta my dreams. I have a picture of you in my mind and it's so real, it's out of this world. I imagine something about you, then the next time i'm on your Blog you say the exact same thing about yourself that i imagined the night before. Deja vu? Hennesy? prophecy? or am i plain nuts?

I'm spending less time with flesh and blood, and diverting my Man hours. Spending it all on your Blog.
Soaking your words in. I'm sure you know who you are by now.

I tell myself i'm losing it. Guess what? i'm not bothered. You're like a Bottle of Hennesy on a cold night. Pastor says it's wrong. I know it's wrong.... Fcuk it.

Blogger Online

2007-01-08T05:04:00.000-08:00

My People. I don come again o. How una dey? Merry Christmas and Happy New year.
I wan pray so if your head no gree prayer, skip this part and start scratching your head.

May this 2007 bring you all joy and Happiness, May it be the year of actualisation of your dreams. May you Soar through the Skies like an Eagle. May God strenghten you, may he protect you and your family. This year you will achieve things you gave up on in years past. You will tower way above your enemies, You will go from breakthrough to even greater breakthrough and it shall be well with you.When your mates are wearing authentic high end Couture labels you will not be rawking "very good imitation". You will not ride shotgun in your mate's BMW. You will gangsta lean in your own Bentley, Paid for. Naija style. CASH. No silly payments. You will succeed. Amen.
And if you like no say Amen na you sabi. Na my free prayer for this year for you be that. And Baba God dey always answer my prayers that's why na only once a year i dey pray so i wont clog up the request line. Oya stop scratching your head. Chei, see Dandruff. You need to pull them braids out. E don do. Haba, since Before Christmas kilode?

You guys got me all mushy and all with the Blogger Awards thingy. I'm totally tickled.I didn't think i had the patience or the skill for Blogging. This is just a part of my personality but the "written word" part. I'm usually in the middle of the room at a house Party cracking people up, and making the girls drink come right out of their nose after laughing so hard.So some people said hey "Alaye you should have a Blog" Funny thing is most of them don't even know i have a Blog. Although i'm getting busted every other day. Oh well sha. Most Entertaining Blogger Emi nikan tan? (A direct translation won't make sense if you don't speak Nigerian English. Olawunmi help!) But for everyone who voted for me thanks for the love. I'm glad to have been part of your life for this 2 months i've been Blogging.

I got back and i totally forgot my Blogger Password. Can you imagine that? .....Sharrap! i no be olodo. Na crime to forget something? When the jollofing dey too plenty ehn, infact that na tori for another day. I fell in love every night of my first week with a different girl. Kai, God is the ultimate creator. i never see where one single girl go be part black, part indian, part philippino, part venezuelan, eye go be like cat, shape go be like Mammy Water. No be the Local Mammy Water for Lagos Bar Beach o! Correct Ajebutter, Exotic, slinky Carribean Mammy Water with rare seashells in a Prada Purse. Those chicks are a different species altogether. Kai! No forming, no Shakara, warm and inviting. I swear i didn't come back with one single "Durex Avensis max" (wink, wink). And if you know how many dozens of packs i carry go there ehn?
Meanwhile i swear by Durex Avensis Max. Those things are super sensitive.I mean realllyy super s-e-n-s-i-t-i-v-e. Guys trust me on this one.

Anywhoo, the Dust in this Lagos ehn? If you open your mouth long enough you'll get a Duster and Mr. sheen to clean your tongue. No be lie. My Cars looked like they've just been driven through the Desert. Omo this Harmattan no be beans o. Even gan sef,My house is Coated three time over with Dust. And that's plus pe i locked the house up o. The weirdest thing of all is that someone or something has been drinking my liquour. Wallahi no be the level wey the thing reach before i comot be that. My keys are with me, everything is intact, nothing stolen. Even gan sef, i forgot about $1000 downstairs on the table, in my haste to get to the Airport.
It was all there. Complete. Dusty, but intact. But my Bottle of Hennesy wey i never drink reach 3/4 sef don dey almost empty. And guess what? No dust on the bottle. The bottle dey shine sef like say someborry was dilligently cleaning the bottle every morning. At least the person for kukuma help me clean the rest of the house now shebi? I told my Step sister, She said i should count how many fingers she held up in front of my face. I told her 6. Yeye! O ti ri omuti. (I no sabi talk English tell Overwhelmed to translate.)

Shebi i said i had a Crush on a Blogger before i comot. Ehen, Lately i've been having very sweet very real dreams about this Blogger. Wallahi no be small sef. So sha in the course of this dreams, at the really interesting point, You know now, When the flimsy La Perla silk something is about to slide off her curvy booty, Calabar girl shows her face, dey preach, and starts to burn my cable. She go just dey hala "don't do it girl, Alaye is a bad guy. He's a Womaniser, Igba, Awo". Shuo! Yeye! you dey ask me how i know say true true na Calabar girl? She dey introduce herself now! Seriously. I no dey joke o. After she don talk finish na so that my fantasy Blogger go just do like say person press Rewind. She go just wear her Panties, her sexy, red see through bra, her black pants, her little top, quickly re-apply her lip stick and before i say "hold up" she go don comot. Without as much as a kiss on my cheek. While i'm nursing my blue balls and fuming.
So anyborry wey know Calabar girl help me beg am o. She's messing up my high. Can't a man dream in peace? She don Marry make she allow single girls catch their fun now! Abi kilode gan?
She should stop putting sand sand for my Garri. In fact i dey go beg am for her Blog today sef.

Meanwhile i'm not revealing the name of my Blogger crush. I'm sure she knows herself sha.
Hola.

Blogger Unavailable

2006-12-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the year again. That time when i get patted on the back at work by the $5000 suit guys. That time they show their appreciation by sending my sexy ass on an all expense paid holiday every thing 1st class. That's for working so hard all year long. Ok so i'm bragging Why you come dey squeeze face? Shio.

Well, anyway 60% of the time i was reading Blogs. Another 20% i was checking out Buffie the body's booty, then 10% i was on the Manchester United forum, 3% i was wishing there were more chicks in my office, then the rest sha i worked well sorta. My CEO, an affable Milton Keynes native is a Man utd fan. We get into a 1 hour meeting and the first 45 mins we're both whining about Chelsea ruining the game, the Abramowinch factor yadda, yadda , then the remaining 15 mins we gloat and laugh at Arsenal's dip in form. Then on the way out, at the door we talk business for 30 seconds then i'm back to good ol' Blogger, Buffie and Neshelle.

So sha i'm going on a much deserved holiday, (Shoot me). And this is so strange 'cause i'll need to say goodbye to a whole lot of people in the Blog world. It's been crazy the number of people i've met virtually, and grown to love since my first post just a month ago, November.
All the peeps that showed me love, left comments on my Blog, the people that yabbed me, those that shared some of my ehm..drama, and the female bloggers that i have a huge crush on.
You want me to mention names abi? Abeg face your front.
Anywhoo i love you guys. Una too plenty. I can't mention ya'll but do have a lovely lovely Christmas. Me i'm off to somewhere warm by the blue ocean and pristine white sands under a huge umbrella getting a rub down*smile* and hopefully no mosquitoes.
Away from Traffic, i won't have to wonder if the explosion i just by my gate heard na "banger" or Lawrence Anini's little Cousin(Ya'll know it's almost Christmas).
No more of stupid people inviting me as Chairman of some occasion or the other thinking i have all of nija's money. Then they abuse and curse me when i put five thousand naira in a crumpled envelope. Awon ode. I earn a Salary you ain't heard? You even dey lucky sef say i give you 5k. This country is fucked i swear. If you are launching your Church's whatever and i give you 10 million shouldn't you ask questions like young Man where did you get this money from? Answer me Mr. Pastor? After you will tell your congregation ehn his father is igba, awo. Where did the father sef get the money from? How much is his official Salary? Rubbish. Don't let me name your Church here o. Because if i talk ehn? ...You are annoying me gan seriously. You now had the guts to call me stingy. Imagine? And na this kain person go first talk say this country is corrupt. So where are the real role models?
God save you say you no talk am to my face. In fact i want my 5k back sef.

Anyway sha i'm outtie.

*I'm going on an Aeroplane, i don't know if i'll be back again* I wish there was a video for that Kanye song. Is it just me, or do you have a song you really love and wish there was a Video for it?

Regards,
Bukky's Ex Boyfriend.

Emptiness

2006-12-13T04:34:00.000-08:00

That's how i feel. I tried to relish the initial relief. I got my way
Now i don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I stayed the Weekend at Ota 'cause i was running some errands for Pop
I didn't even have to change the locks... She brought the keys.
Drove all the way to Ota to drop my Keys. I never meant to hurt you she said.
She said she would kill herself first before she ever hurts me
Somebody e-mailed her the link, so yeah
She read my Blog
She says it's as funny as hell. But i was not fair in my depiction of her
I said "at least i changed your name"
"Thanks" she says. With that look of "Oti, you for put my real name there... Ode)
Maybe i was not fair. Heck i was not fair.
But seriously shorty did you have to return the Money?
I know i said it was a loan but hey, you know i never intended to get that back
That hurt.
And my Tee-Shirts returned. All washed and neatly pressed
All 7 of them. 7 different colours,
for 7 days of the week, So you could smell me on you all night
So what are you gonna wear to bed now?
Ouch!! Now that hurts.

You scared me with all that Marriage talk.
Every other Saturday, it's one Wedding or the other.
and even when you realised i wasn't gonna sacrifice football for some boring Wedding on a Saturday,
you finally let me be.
I'd let you take my Car. Whenever yoou wanted to. Floss your heart out.
but no way am i gonna miss a Manchester Derby for Rasheedat's Wedding.
I miss the laughter you bring
I miss your clumsiness
I miss barking orders at you and muttering "what a Klutz" under my breath
I miss changing my mind on what to eat at the very last minute
and watching you sigh in exasperation
Only to start cooking something else again.
I miss all that food.
I miss when we do the damn thing.
Oh damn i miss that.
I remember the First time.
Your tongue sloowwly tracing invisible lines at the bottom of my gun
ever so slowly
driving me insane
making me gasp
even more slowly circling the head.
I damned near almost pulled out your weave on
and i had to pay for the damned hair next day. ...I gladly did.
That first time, remember i popped in what was it now 45 secs? ( Ehen, i know say you go talk. Mr. Last all night. Abeg comot for road. rubbish)
You were so damned good. I remembered i said you must be better than that "Superhead" bitch.
and i kept calling you headmistress.

And we still stayed cool
after your family thought i was an arrogant prick
and i said your Pop looked like Homer Simpson
and you wouldn't pick up my calls for 2 days?
but you couldn't do it for much longer than that?
This has gone on for way too long Shortie.

I always thought i could call any one of my "groupies" and i'd be fine
I guess i was wrong.
I get lonelier after the front door closes.
There's nothing to share.
a "Jump-off" is what it is
a "Jump-off".

I'm not gonna lie my answer is still no.
I'm honestly not ready to do this now.
I don't even know what i want from you.
As much as i want you
You still annoy the hell out of me.
I can't live with you
I can't live without you.
What the heck am i supposed to do?

Bukky is trying me o!!!!

2006-12-06T02:44:00.000-08:00

This Bukky girl dey try my patience seriously o. Anybody that knows the girl should warn her o.

Shey una remember Bukky now? ehen. I no get liver for some certain things but for some other sturvs like person wey wan put sand sand for my Garri i go vex o.

I was at work and it was one of those really crazy days where everything just comes at you the moment you walk in the door. As i just sat my Juicy ass down that's how one of my Oyinbo Oga's started shouting and asking me for this, for that, igba awo. I just look am with one kain eye like that say (For my mind o) Ode. You don carry all your Salary go give Pastor Synagogue you come dey open eye for me here. Idiot. How a normal human being would leave his house in Ikoyi and travel down to one Synagogue Church for Ikotun-Egbe beats my imagination mehn!!!.
Abi you never hear of Synagogue? Haba where you dey since now? Okay make i give you small gist.
From what i heard...I never go the shoosh before o. Na just gist. But from what i heard the guy na one kain Fake Pastor like that that uses demonic powers to work some kain Miracles like that. I heard that when the Nigerian International Daniel Amokachi had a career threatning leg injury na the shoosh wey e go be that. One year and all his $avings later, his situation was still the same. Actually he was worse off 'cause brother was as broke as a plate.
Then i heard that Women from all over the country looking for "fruit of the womb" throng the place and he gives them one white handkerchief like that to take home and put the handkerchief under your pillow. Then, at 2a.m when the sleep dey sweet you well well, the Pastor's Spirit will now enter the handkerchief and creep out of the pillow and jump on the woman. Imagine all the thousands of Women for the guy shoosh. No wonder the guy is that skinny.lol.
I also heard the Spirit also has a penchant for giving head o. So the Women keep praying for a re-visit. hehehe. Wetin? Abeg no ask me stupid question i no remember who tell me the gist. If you no beleive me na you sabi. Abi you sef need "visitation". Shio. E dey your body.

Wetin i dey talk sef? Okayee, that's how my Oyinbo Blond hair blue eye "aryan" Oga dey go the Synagogue shoosh o. I no know wetin dey pursue am sef. It's so bad that he even has several stickers on his Car. The dude na card carrying member. The popular gist is that he's trying to secure his job to stay in Nija because the guy dey gbadun this place seriously.All those skinny lepa shandy girls, plus living like a King. No be my opinion sha o. Make you no go Koba me. Na wetin i hear i dey talk o. Anyway as the man was shouting that morning i just dey look say if i woz you slap ehn? no be only stars you go dey see sef. Na Handkerchief go dey fly for your office. Raasclaat.

So come see me see Wahala o. After having days like that at work, i'm stressed out, i get home and i can not eat food inside my very house because i'm scared of the food. See me see Wahala o. I mean there's enough food in my Freezer to last Mr.Joseph and the Egyptians 7 years of Famine. Name it, different Orishirishi Soup from Efo riro with meat calling Shaki. And Shaki hollering at rounabout and roundabout whistling at Bokoto meanwhile Bokoto is chancing the smaller fried snails for inside the same pot o. And that's just for Starters. There's fried Chicken stew, Fresh fish stew, beef stew, Asaro, beans, Several tubs of Ice-Cream, orishirishi like that sha. Me sef i like food small. But fear dey catch me to even go near all that food. Lately i've been buying take-out from all the Reataurants on the Island and peeps who know me know i don't dig that shit. Na the condition wey Bukky carry me put be that o. First point of action was to get my spare keys from her. I was trying to stop "unrestricted access" to my crib. So i was now thinking of a way to get my keys off her without turning it into world war 3. Omo, i tire o. Shebi you go ask me why i come give am my keys in the first place? That's how i come dey rack my brain o to find solution to my problem. At the end of the day, i just decided to ask her for my keys outrightly. So having come to that conclusion, i went upstairs to meet her.

Meanwhile she has been acting one kain, one kain like that. She usually comes on Fridays then she leaves on sunday night. This one ehn, she just glue herself for my house o she no go anywhere. If she goes to work she comes back straight to my house. Shebi she get spare keys. So that's how she was sitted comfortably, watching one of those Celebrity shows i think on E enterainment or something like that, and sipping my Hennessy. so i said Bukky can i please have my keys? She just turn her head look me, turn back to Jessica Simpson. It was like i wasn't even there, like i didn't even say a word. So i said Olubukola, I just asked you a question (I was gradually raising my voice) Can i have my keys? Omo, she just look me up and down like that and said "sorry you can't have your keys at least until i'm ready to give it back to you".
Mehn, see the attitude. No be only mouth she take talk am o. Na plus eyelashes wey dey go up and down... Nija style, and eyes wey dey roll, and that "speak to the hand" thingy chicks are so fond of. I was like "she o mu oti yo ni? (are you drunk?).
I come begin rake dey shout seriously. "It's my house i work hard for everything own and you can not sit here and refuse to give me my keys, i demand, ...i this,... i that,... Igba, ...awo. She no even answer me. Infact when my voice dey rise sef na so she dey increase volume for the remote control.
My people, i come tire. Me? before before wey be say before i talk one thing like this ehn, she go don jump three times. This same Bukky is now looking at me like Isi-Ewu. Me Baba Alaye mehn i don suffer.
That's how i just quickly accessed the situation ikpe, It didn't look like i was gonna win this round. So i just shouted Bukky you are trying me o!!! You are trying me o!!! i'm going out, and before i come back to this house, you had better have my keys ready because what i'll do to you ehn and shey you know me now? If i display for you igba, awo. Yadda yadda.
That's how i grabbed my Car Keys and was about storming out. She just turned and said in this very eerie calm way she speaks sometimes that "you're not going anywhere You better sit down and don't waste your time." I just stormed out of her presence and i could hear her say "don't slam the door". For where? If i no slam door how you go no say i dey vex now? That's one habit that all the punishment never correct since i was small. ....Slamming doors. My favorite past time. So, why you come dey squeeze face now? At least me i don talk my bad habit. Wetin be your own? Aunty na me Sabi.

So sha, i got downstairs, got in my car, make i go watch football for one sport bar in my neighbourhood as pe tennant don evict landlord for house now. That's how my moto no start o. I cranked it up again omo, nothing. The Ignition was dead. I just hissed, and made a mental note to myself ikpe, i was gonna have my Driver's head on a cheap plastic plate by tommorrow morning 'cause that was my official car. And anyway sha i've never been a fan of any Automobile not made by Germans. So i got back inside and took the Keys to the other Car.
I swear my moto no start o. Brand new Car. This Whip is less than 9 months old. The Same thing that happened to the other Car, but this time, my "Marvel on the road" "Superior Bavarian Engineering" at it's best wouldn't start up. I was gobsmacked. This has never i mean NEVER happened. My people na that time cold come dey catch me say "this one no be Oju lasan". I decided to open the bonnet but there was no point 'cause the whole thing was sealed anyway. It wasn't made to be tinkered with at will except for an oil change and stuff every couple of thousand miles. Well how man for do?
Your homeboy just simply shuffled back into the house with his tail between his legs. I just went upstairs jejely, got on the Bed and closed my eyes. I couldn't even watch footie. For where? Champions league ko? Champions league ni. This one wey for my very domot i don get yellow card. Sha, she walks in an hour later and goes "are you back"? "Shey o lo mo ni"? (Aren't you going again"?) i no even answer. As if say she no know say my Moto(s) no gree start. I was too bewildered by the whole situation to even shout. Abi wetin shouting go do for this matter now? She then announced that "well sha if you want to eat, dinner is served downstairs". Rice and Curry Sauce.
Me!! Me!! She dey tell me dinner is served. Do i have a stupid face? I mean do i really look that daft? After Last week's Egusi soup ended up in the Trash. Reasons still unknown. (Although i have my strong suspicions). And all the other orishirishi deep coded talk she has been talking recently. Now last night make i comot for house my moto no start. She come say make i chop. Na she go chop the food no be me. Tufiakwa.

Although i was so hungry last night, i just couldn't risk eating anything. So i went to bed hungry. I'm back in the office now this Morning. I've just sent my Driver to Cactus to get me a Sandwich. This will be the only thing i've eaten since breakfast yesterday. It's beginning to frustrate me this.
My ears are still ringing with what she said last week that if i don't marry her i can't marry any other girl. Mehn, See as one Otorompe girl dey throw threats at me just anyhow. Make una warn am o!!! If i begin fasting and prayer session for am ehn? She go hear am. I've always said i didn't have her time yet. But this one wey i no fit chop for my own house ehn? Na war o. Meanwhile both cars started effortlessly this morning. Hmmm!!!!
My people this one pass me o. Wetin i go do? Please help your boy. I'm open to ideas.

Sorry it had to go down

2006-12-04T22:31:00.001-08:00

The Sum of all fears (I'm Totally Scared 2) Had to go down. I'm really sorry people.
I'm a sell out, and i'm not brave enough to tackle this whole mess. Some things are just way bigger than you no matter what sort of batteries you're running on you just can't keep up.

Some Issues have been burning for well over 50 years. As much as i'd like to change the world, i'm all grown now(At least in the last couple days) . I realise now that i can't. I'm a miniscule grain of sand in the bloody Sahara. So yep. I guess Pops was right. I'm an idealist.

There are things i'd like to say but i cant. I'd like to give you reasons for deleting the post, again i can't. I'm a Chicken, and i'm weak willed, a Coward and much worse. But there's Monsters everywhere.... and they scare me.

I'm a black, single 29 year old African male, stuck on a train track with his hands covering his eyes. Hoping the Train stops.

I'm totally Scared (1)

2006-11-30T03:33:00.000-08:00

I've had so many things on my mind this past couple of days i couldn't even update my blog.
Blog ke? In the midst of all the Katakata wey dey ground? In fact my own personal demons wey dey worry me sef got to siddon for back burner. This water pass Garri.

From where i go start sef? Okay Friday i go Ghana go close one kain quick deal like that. My mind dey tell me say make i no go anywhere but i thought hey, it's one hour away and i needed to sort the wahala out. Cash my cheque and come back to where i get mouth fit talk. My Obodo naija.
The Alhaji wey i go see there na Ghanain o, no be our country man o. After exhanging pleasantries, as we enter the office like this ehn, na back the man take enter. I was like Okayee, it's gotta be a Ghanaian thing no? So nothing to it. but i just felt veery, veery uncomfortable but i told myself it's gotta be the decor.
The whole office was painted blood red with lots of African Artworks and a big ass sculpture of a Woman with a .....well, big Ass. Again i explained the feeling away as bad taste. There must be something wrong with this Ghanaians right? Then after some irritating chit chat he hands me my cheque with his left hand. Haba!! Anyway sha me i collect the cheque. Shit money no dey smell abi? So i said see you later and bounced to the lift make i dey go my house. My Sister, that's how i enter lift o from 8th floor the lift now started creaking and groaning and finally stopped in between floors. Omo, my heart was in my mouth. At that point in time all the Guy's action started coming back to me in slow mo. The other person next to me in the lift was some woman i noticed earlier in the Alhaji's office. And the bitch had this evil grin on her fat black face.
That's how your boy started some mean ass "Mountain of Fire " Prayer o. No fine boy for this one mehn, Fcuk being cute... Na prayer with plenty gra gra. See you. You never pray that kain prayer before ehn? Okay wait there make your Papa go marry Ogbanje second wife put for house. When she go appear for your dream like three times your eye go open. Shio. Na there make you dey. Anyway sha Something just told me this wasn't normal and shit's gone terribly wrong and it's about to go down. But i tell you no lie after praying ehn, i felt something shift in the spirit. For oncen it stopped being that suffocating. I took a look at the Black Mamba woman in the lift with me.She was frowning so hard her veins were about popping. (Shebi i say the woman na Winch) Then the lift came backto life and stopped at the next floor.Me i just rushed down and took the stairs from i think the 7th floor down.

I got back to Lagos and i had 12 missed calls on my phone. My Interim babe in Lagos had been blowing up my digits. Kilode? I started listening to my voice messages and the long and short of the story be say The meat in my soup was contaminated and i shouldn't eat it.
I called her back Which Soup? "Ehn.... the one in the freezer." WTF? How did you know that? When did you discover this? Were they re-calling sold beef at Shoprite?What's all this nonsense? Anyway When i get home we'll iron all this out.
Sebi you go ask me what's the story? Uptill now me sef i no know o. She just came and threw the whole big bowl of Soup in the trash bin. Ewo! Egusi soup that me i had major plans for. I was already dreaming of Wacking some serious Eba with the orisirisi meat and Panla and Bokoto with fried snails inside this very soup. This one i no go gree. You better start explaining girl.
So wetin happen to my soup now?How did the contamination happen? Aja ni o, Eran ni o (Na dog o, na Cat o) she no answer.
Mystery upon mystery. Meanwhile this babe, as i talk before na Interim babe. She's cool and all that but the moment she started hinting at the big M word, i just declare for am say i never ready to marry make she leave me joo. Not like i'm really not ready at least i'm 29 time don dey reach but she just isn't someone i'm gonna marry.You know there are people that you just know say e no go happen lai lai. So BabaAlaye what are you still doing with her now? Or as people are wont to say around this parts "Why are you wasting her time"? Which time now? I don tell am say i no fit marry am na she dey give me close marking. I no lie to the girl. She's good to date, i enjoy her company, Sex is like whoa, but i no wan Marry. na by force? Maybe i'd feel differently if i loved her but i dont. So end of story. Oya go bring your Police come arrest me shio. E dey your body.
I'll have to be treading carefully now sha. No more "Bukky please come over and cook for me for the Week" Make i no go chop the one wey go kia kia dispatch me to where all my Egba Ancestors dey. Abeg i dey find Calabar Housegirl wey sabi cook. If you know any please Hola at your boy.

There's this other thing that sends cold shivers down my spine and wakes me up in the middle of the night in a cold fright.
I'm not sure i should blog about it. But it's weighing heavily on my mind. I want to get it offa my chest. We'll see.

Ashawo no be work o!!! Na Lifestyle.

2006-11-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

Diffrent different things dey happen for this our Nija i swear. I'm not the most observant person in the world, but this has stopped being subtle it's in your face. Almost choking.
They comb offices all around town "visiting". Clad in the most revealing stuff in their closet. On a Wednesday morning you'd think it's a Friday night.It's making me hard to concentrate on work. Okay, Truthfully i'm not concentrating, i'm checking out my fav Blogs. Which one come be your own now? Mr. Efficiency. Employee of the year Kpele o. Abeg comot make i see road.

Right here on my Table at work is a Wedding Invite for this Saturday. Oga o.Ebere is getting married. Na wah o. Even Ebere!!! Bad girls have it made i swear. This Chica don go round every bobo in Lagos and we're only talking about the bobos i know o. What of the countless ones wey i no know hmm. Single guys, Married guys, Divorced separated, bring it on. She don dey do since 1993 wey Boys they pari ise (Finish am) for Murphis Toilet. Whatever happened to those joints back in the day sef? Murphis, Terris Burger, Eddie King Burger, and Chicken something i forget what it's called now. Anyway sha.

Wetin i dey talk again sef? Ehen Ebere. Ebere don find Husband o. Surprise surprise. That girl would screw anything that drove up in four wheels back then. Anything. As long as it came in a car. The girl ehn, she no sabi talk NO. lai lai. If it comes in a Car she rides. End of story.
Anywhoo the story is, she's now attending one Pentecostal church in Ikeja. She even dey choir sef. Na so one guy wey come from yankee say make e come bury im Papa see am for Church say na fine yellow girl. Before you could say "Nna Bros chelu" e don dey Western Union money to Ebere family for Okokomaiko. How correct nice babe go dey ground, people like Ebere go find correct bobo marry am? Na serious issue o. Bad girls go to heaven no?
Guys let me tell you something. If you see a babe ehn, and you wan marry ask well well o. Wetin i talk? do research gan seriously... That's how i saw my work colleagues main squeeze in a Micro Mini on Akin Adesola one night like that. I couldn't breathe a word of it to him. It would totally break him to pieces.
They are still "dating" and i feel kinda bad for him but hey no be for my mouth dem go hear that kain thing... Ignorance is bliss yeah?

On the flip side of this, The economy is soo bad, things are so difficult for the average man like you will not beleive. Going by the comments on by last post. I tried to do a not too perfect math on how a Man is expected to survive on the Federal Govt. Minimum wage of #7,500 monthly.(about 30 pounds/55 dollars). Mr. Man spends about 5,000 on transportation a month, and he's got a wife(My driver has two), 3 kids, pay nepa bill, feed his family, clothe himself and his family,Pay school fees, books, his aged parents at home, and other miscellenous wahala. Haba!

And all this is on the assumption that the guy is gainfully employed in the first instance.
It's a different kettle of fish when there's nothing coming in at the end of the Month, and he's got teenage kids.The boys struggle through school, most likely will moonlight as a conductor or Mechanic or something. The girls, ....well you guessed it. Have you been to Kuramo Beach at night? This young teenage girls have sex with Men for about 1 pound.(250 naira). Just so they can eat.

Quick math. If there are 100,000,000+ Nigerians,(That's one hundred million. yup) and only about 20% are employed, another 20% gainfully employed....i'm being very geneerous right hurr.
There must be about 60 million starving/nearly starving Nigerians.
With the above in mind, a girl born into the unfortunate tax bracket, Father is a Ministry Clerk, Mother is a School Teacher/Hospital nurse, warrever. There are 5 kids in the house. How the heck do you work that? What are her options?

When we scream about "moral decay" in the society, i don't think its's that cut and dried.We should look at the whole picture.Are we that morally Bankrupt as a people. No i don't think so. It's Poverty. When you go to bed hungry because you don't have food to eat, and you're not sure where Breakfast is coming from. Your outlook to life changes.It stops being about what the flashy Pastor says you can't do, it becomes a race of Survival. And the odds are daunting.
You don't beleive me? Step into any face me i face you house in Lagos for 10 minutes and see how people live, how 15 people squeeze themselves into a room just a little bigger than a Toyota Corolla. How 100+ people shove and fight to use a Maggot infested bathroom in the morning.
Then get dressed and jump on a Molue to go to work. All their hopes and dreams dashed, their future mortgaged by Corrupt Politicians and Millitary Despots.. No Medicare, no Electric Power, no food, nothing. Even Dogs at the other more affluent part of town feed better.Poverty amidst plenty.

A lot of these girls want to chart a better future for themselves they see education as a ticket out of abject povert. (role models are all over the place). So they give it their all. They throw everything in it. They use the only thing they've got. They sleep with Lecturers to get admission into school, sleep with lecturers to pass exams, sleep with Aristos to feed, buy handouts, clothe themselves, and they have absolutely no time for broke undergraduate boys trying to run game. (Oloshi olori buruku i'm running away from poverty you wan make i come add your own join? Na Flowers i go chop? you dey craze. Abeg carry your Basketball shirt, and tontirin jeans comot for here before i open my eyes .lol) Baby gurl needs to send money home to feed her siblings and take care of her ailing mother or wharrever.

They finally graduate from school and keep in touch with the numerous Aristos.Her Networking is on point,she's a *cough* "graduate" now, so she gets a job in xyz Bank. Now she's an official Lagos Big Girl. She buys a Honda, moves from Okokomaiko to a Flat at Opebi, She comes to jand for Summer, attends all the Ovation type parrys in Naija, get's herself an Ajebutter Ikoyi boy, The Boy has no idea where she's coming from. All he knows is she cooks well, cleans up his crib, has no qualms washing his clothes, she shows him a few bedroom tricks that blow his socks off, goes to church every Sunday and Wednesday, Bobo is going, going, gone. Next thing na for Wedding Web site you go see them.
That, my friend is the Nigerian dream.

If you met a girl at a Parry, all decked up in Gucci this Prada that, and she's gushing about her trip to Venice and her Ski holiday at St.Moritz. And you ask her "which Secondary School did you go to"? and she starts stuttering... ehm you see..."actually it's one school like that in Mile 2". lol. Don't push the subject.Drop it . That's one of several giveaway signs.

Let me quickly chip this in. "The Stupid Girl". The dumb Middleclass girl who lives in Maryland, Daddy is an Engineer, Mommy is a Doctor. Your folks are doing okay, not rich but comfortable.You went to QC, or FGC, or something. Then you get to Unilag you meet the Kpako girl who is desperately trying to be like you. Screwingg pot bellied married men all around town to have money just so your Middle class ass dont look down on her rasmobogee ass. So she buys all the clothes you buy, refines her phonee, No more Akara and Pap. Kpako chic buys all the stuff you eat "including Kelloggs" (sue me. Shio).
Then you, the Stupid Girl somehow got it twisted and thought Aristo Runs was fun. Sweetie it's so not fun. It's a facade. It's survival baby, not fun and games. It's a hustle stupid!!! Mami been hustling since Primary 5.
Whilst you were singing along to Sounds of Music. She was bumming Free Kulikuli off the Mallam pushing the Wheel barrow.
Be content with what your folks can give you now. They are trying their best. You don't need salvatore Ferragamo shoes it's a fucking 3rd world country. Thank God for your Parents, and accept what you're given. It ain't easy for them either but they strive so much. You don't have to look like Ciara, c'mon. The Kpako girls don't have a choice. That's the only thing they reckon they have. Let them do their thing. You stay good, clean, have fun, go on dates(with boys your age), read good books, broaden your mind, but please no Pot bellied old men. You really don't need that extra cash. Trust me.

*Note* I'm not female bashing. I'll talk about the guys some other time.

Go figure. A Nija Runs chic who is used to blowing 500,000 a month courtesy of Aids Donors (Aristos) Now get's a job, earns 70k a month, gets married .Bobo earns say...200k a month. And she still wants to rawk her Prada,Miu Miu, and Marc Jacobs.
What's the easiest alternative. What are her options? Yup you guessed it. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.
Small wonder Divorce rate has gone way up in Naija. 300% in the last 5 years. What more can i say?

Meanwhile Ebere's Wedding IV is so cool. I'm looking at it on my table now. The back says Printed in New-York. Okayee.

Peter gets a Job

2006-11-17T01:08:00.000-08:00

That's how my Phone was now ringing early on Sunday morning o. Nobody calls me on a Sunday morning ever. I mean never ever.

Okay so i pick up the phone reluctantly and it just took one 'Hello' to know dude dialled a wrong number. You know how it is when someone goes 'Hello' and you know without a doubt it's a Domestic staff or your Tailor ok sorry your Designer lol, or Sikiru your Mechanic calling you from Ladipo "Oga your money no reach to buy Crank shaft o". Shuoo! Why are you forming now? Oh you no dey use Local Mechanic sorry o. My bad. Ajebutter. Na Coscharis Autos dey Service your Range Rover Jeep pele o. Look make i tell you true story If you escape Sikiru or Morufu because you get Brand new car ehn, You better go buy a Private Jet too. You are asking me why? Okayee, make i tell you. There are no Certifications in Naija for Aeronautical Engineers. How does that affect you? Listen make i tell you now, This means that when a Plane lands at the Domestic Airport in Lagos en route to Abuja or Sokoto or wherever.If you are priviledged/unfortunate to walk down to the Hanger you will be shocked to your bone marrows.
Here's the scenario.
A plane(Insert name here ADC, Chachangi, Belview, warever) is leaving in 20 mins. The Cabin Crew complained to management about Shaking, extreme Rattling and an unusual loud noise from the Engines, plus the tyres aren't retracting. Serious stuff right?
Wrong. Solution = 2 Sunburnt ugly, smelly "Aeroplane" Mechanics jump on the scene. They are tracing fuel lines, and while you are checking in, they are checking tyre pressure. Be prepared to hear stuff like "Morufu fun mi ni 10 spanner" "Jamiu fun mi ni 6 flat"(Morufu pass me the 10" Spanner and the 6" flat screwdriver)
I kid you not. And People are surprised planes are dropping off the skies like Bird shit.

Wetin i dey talk before sef? Ehen, So that's how my phone was just ringing on Sunday sha
i now picked up the phone and a gruff voice at the other end "hello this is Corporal Inyang" I'm like "wrong number mate" and he goes "is that BabaAlaye"? I do a double take. Emm ...Yes it is...*Lord what is it now* "Oga your friend is here in our custody he wants to speak with you".

At this point i'm totally gobsmacked.I mean WTF? then the dude gets on the phone Good morning it's your friend Peter. I'm like Peter who??? The only Peter i know has a Roman Church named after him and he's been long dead. I don't know you o!!! Abeg where did you know me from. (I was quickly losing it at this point.)

You are laughing at me abi? It's not your fault. 2 days "cooling your heels" in a Naija Detention cell will change your outlook to life. Trust me on this one.
Anyway sha, na so the guy come talk say "Babaalaye i was at the Estate park with you on Friday. It's Peter from your Church". Okay, the Coin dropped at this point. I remember the guy now. He was a somewhat slow dude who attends my Church in the Home fellowship (well...the few times i turn up there lol) and was talking about me helping me out with a job and sturves. Nice enough chap but presently going through a rough patch and he doesn't seem too quick on the uptake.

Well, Church or no church me i no want wahala so i'm like "Dude what did you do? "Why are u at the Police station"? And "Why are you calling me?" Then he started mumbling some incoherrent stuff, and the impatient Police man jumps on the line and starts to explain his offence.

Here's what happened. The Dude (Shebi i said he's a "job seeker") ehen. He had gone out on Friday morning looking for employment. E don waka all of Broad street, Marina, Adeola Odeku,
Sanusi Fafunwa, all the VI streets sha in fact the guy go don sabi road pass Okada driver sef. still no show. He was broke and didn't have any money for Transportation so he walked home on an empty stomach.To make things worse, his uncle who's BQ (Boys Quarters)he was squatting at was out of the country. So what's a desperate Man to do?

He bids is time, waits until it's almost check out time, and confidently walks into the Estate's fast food Restaurant, walks into the Men's room, and promptly locks himself in.
2 hours later Dude Emerges from the Toilets, looks around furtively for a minute, he's sure no one's around and makes his way straight to the Food section and turns on the light.
Mehn!!! The sight this guy must have seen.... A hungry man looking at Juicy Fried Chicken and Fried Rice, and Fried Snail, tens of packs of chilled Orange juice, Pineapple juice. Heaven!!!

Na so the guy carry plate begin the feast of his life o. Infact ehn!!! the guy ate and his soul was satisfied, then he went to the Childrens Corner to sleep.

The Shop Manager got in the next morning and saw several crushed chicken bones in a plate and empty packs of Orange juice. I guess he musta been alarmed at first but upon closer inspection, money wasn't missing from the till. So i guess after heaving a sigh of releif that his Job was still intact he eventually finds our Man Peter curled up at the Kidddies section sleeping blissfully.
To cut a long story short sha na so Police come arrest the guy o. But the Restaurant didn't want to press charges since he didn't steal money or anything. They only wanted his bill cleared.

So that, in a nutshell be the story wey i glean off Corporal Inyang and Peter the midnight Ninja. I felt releived that the guy wasn't in Custody for Armed Robbery or anything Major like that. Then i started feeling bad that things can actually get so bad that a fellow man will have to resort to pulling stunts like that just to stop the hunger pangs gnawing away inside of him.
I had to go "bail him out" from the Police Station and i paid off the Restaurant.(I made a mental note note to spend a dime there anymore) If they can't let go of something that trivial, something must be seriously wrong with the world. Duh!!!

So i get a text from Peter this morning. He's gotten a Job at a Bank in Lagos as a Mail Man. I feel so good and happy for him I guess it's good news friday.. At least another one off the unemployment line. It's a tought place this. You'll never know what people are going through in Naija at the other end of our air-conditioned cars, running around in the hot sun trying to sell a phone recharge card. Just so they can eat.
People here are so tough they'll survive a Holocaust and still crack a smile.

This Christmas can i challenge somebody not to buy that PSP, or XBox, and i'm sure that Jimmy Choo is to die for, and you've been dreaming about that Hermes bag. But Can we please make at least one person back home in Nija smile.Do a Western Union Transfer to Grandma or Uncle or that Auntie that you used to look up to while you were still in Naija, but now looks all haggard and weatherbeaten due to the severe hardship in this country. Pleease just reach out and love someone p-l-e-a-s-e. I'm sure you know at least one person who needs it.
Every little helps. (Sorry Tesco)

Ouch!!!

2006-11-14T01:15:00.000-08:00

"I will just slap you now" He said. And before the poor guy could say "Oga i just dey do my work" The Dude had slapped the Security officer.

Venue: Murtala Mohammed Airport Lagos.
Red Corner: Mr. Dude Weight.300 pounds.

Black Corner: Mr Airport security/Ghost worker
Weight: 125 pounds or so.

I've always questioned the rationale behind installing some rude guy just at the exit point of the Arrival Hall at MM Airport. Haba Kilode? You've gone through Customs, (Oga anything for the boys?) Immigration, (Oga anything for awon boys?) NDLEA, (Oga anything to see? Like i'd tell you duh!) Quarantine, (Oga anything ?) , Waiting for your luggage, somborry "mistakenly" thiefing your luggage, the Heat, body odour, Rushing for trolleys, smell of cosmetics...the nice ones from jand, the smell of the Bleaching creams...Tura Fair and white(The not so exclusive preserve of the Customs/immigration chics and the cleaners, and the Isale Eko chics that import Packaged juice), and the screaming babies, ...poor darlings all that heat, and all the black ugly guys wearing fake Bling. WTF?

Anyway sha, where was i? Ehen that's how me i breezed through all of that wahala now, and at the last point make i comot that's how this Were Officer was now checking Passports and luggage tags at the exit. For wetin now? No be duplication of duty be that? That's how Mr Dude above vex say lai lai you no go check anything. And Mr. Official wan come Argue, and Frustrated Mr. Dude was not having any of that sht. So he promptly lands a serious slap on the Ghost Worker/Airport official's face like that. Dem come cause go slow for inside Airport.
Which kain Wahala be this now? I go still pass plenty go slow(Traffic jam for you jandedos) before i reach 3rd Mainland, reach my house now. Na so i go beg Ghost Worker make e forget the whole thing and give peace a chance blah blah... at least make me i comot.

That's when i looked closely at Mr. Dude and realised the guy na my Old Buddy in High School.
Go figure. I swear my school turns out more thugs than a Cuban Jail. So i was like Femi how far now? Long time no see, He's Married now..well he's wearing a wedding band, he's gained a bit of weight but he's not lost any of the Agbero traits.

So i was like Nigg how've you been? Turns out his wife is in London, and his Girlfriend is in Lagos with his Daughter. Ehen!! so he "shuttles" between London and Lagos okayeee.
So i asked if his Penis was still functioning ok? * I know, i know, let me explain*

See, Femi had a brother, Tunde, back in school that was a bit of a tout (well, stating the obvious)
and the Father was a highly respected Deacon at a very popular Church. Meanwhile, Femo had this brown pair of Tommy H. Khakis he was so in love with. One Evening sha, he tried pulling the metal Zipper on the Pants and it caught his em... Penis and it wouldn't come unstuck.
To cut a long thing short(hehe) Dude was rushed to the School clinic and transferred home.
The Jist from Tunde his brother was that the Medics had to cut the skin to free the Zipper Ouch!!!

Now, this is the interesting part. He gets back to School and we promptly tell Femo that Bros, your thing no go work again lai lai. You need to test it extensively. He gets scared and asks for Playboy, and Hustler mags which promptly appear from under different Mattresses.

5 minutes later, he confirms it's fine. That's when his brother Tunde goes "why don't we tell Popsie your thing is no longer working"? Femi wasn't having none of that but with a bit of endorsement from myself and a couple of Awon Boys we were able to convince him. My take was the Guy's Father had too much aggro, Disciplinarian Deacon, at worst e go buy playboy mags for the pickin to test his thing abi? And we go get extra girly mag stashed for free. Right?

Wrong! Even me sef amazement catch me. Na so the "Reverend Gentleman" quick quick go organise babe for im pickin o. Meanwhile, The babe seemed "very familiar" with the old man. The Man say "oya test this thing right now and give me feedback. I assume you know what to do"? See something o. From where the chic waka from now? How the Deacon take Organise the Babe sharp sharp like that?
This same guy has strict "No visitor" rules. If he catches you even talking to a Girl Peren! It's a Naija smack down a la Koboko. At 15.
Na that day i know say Naija parents ehn, beneath all that facade, scratch deep enough.....

Now i wonder what effect Femi's Dad's actions had on his son's outlook to life in general and to Women in Particular. A legally Girlfriend(ed) babe in Lagos (with a child), and a Legally Married Wife in another country.
Was it his Pop, Or just him, or is it something in the Lagos Water pipes? Or are we guys just plain sick?

One Hit Wonders

2006-11-08T05:51:00.000-08:00

I'm at work and sleepy as hell. I wonder why i can't work from home in this blasted country. It's inhuman for anyone to be subjected to driving to work through that Lekki Traffic.

I had an Eureka moment this afternoon. See, i work in a building with strictly Engineers and 92% male.And i've always wondered why nobody really smiles, then it dawned on me. There are no Women here!!!! I noticed that if a chic walks into the an office all the guys sit straight up, Pop their collars and drooolllll. Then they start talking louder, become more assertive and generally start displaying Alpha male characteristics.(And they get more done) Agbayas. Meanwhile the chics here are either very married or Butt Fugly or both.Most times both. HR musta made it a criteria. If you look good peren, nothing for you. Oh well 7 hours of torture.

Anyway sha that's how i was looking through my mp3 files on my P.C (5 GB worth) and i stumbled on Positive K's "I got a man". Do ya'll remember that joint? I knew all the words to the song then back in High school. So that kinda got me thinking. What on Earth is Positive K up to now? Or Shabba Ranks for that matter. or Patra, All Saints,Mark Morrison, Eagle eye Cherry, 69 boys, Billy Ocean, Mad Cobra, XScape, Total, ....all of them like that. Na wah o.
One day you're a Superstar and people are climbing over each other to sign autographs, and chics are throwing panties at you on stage, then the next day you're like hi i'm Aaron Hall and the kid at the McDonald till goes Aaron who?

Runs

2006-11-07T08:27:00.000-08:00

A "Good Friend" txt me Yesterday asking if i'll be available to see a friend of hers. I said okay, and soon a charming, young-sounding woman called, and we set up a meet, around 7 pm at The Bungalow in VI.Decked out like something out of True love Magazine. Rusty Brown Deola Sagoe gown , and brown Jimmy Choos.Okayee. It's so on.

Typical young Ikoyi Wife, plus she had that look. You know that look like where dem dey?
But she was friendly and she acted like we knew each other already. "I heard you love to eat pussy" she said.I replied "Yes" with a dead pan expression on my face. I got her. I know the type. Nervous as fuck and trying to nudge you off the cliff to see if you'd trip.

I kept quiet and had the faintest of smiles on my face "I didn't see you at the this day Concert"she said. Well.. you werent looking out for me. You wouldn't have noticed me. "Your eyes are very different. ...Dark and Mysterious and very sexy"

Ok Now Mami's playing with me. I'm not saying much which is strange. Absolute rarity but this time i ma let mami sweat this one out. You hungry? She ordered a Salad. I'm thinking "Who you trying to impress?" I love ma women with a bit of Flesh. Of course i'm not saying nufink. I sip on my Drink. She's through. Can we go now?

The Guards in my Estate must be having the time of their lives. Nothing interesting ever happens. I imagine it's got to be the most boring job in the whole wide world to be a security guard in Lekki. Their Counterparts in Surulere and Ikeja i'm sure don't have it that tough. Things haoppen. But anyway they have lots of gossip fodder to while away many a long night.

She Parks behind me. Why would anybody buy a Yellow Honda Element? The Car looks comical as it were but the Yellow turns it to something out of Bob the Builder. Na Wah. Anyway sha she gets in and sinks her cute backside in my Sofa. "This place looks like a love den" she says. I'm still not saying much.

I Come around and cup her face with my hands and plant my lips on her, and i heard her gasp.
Then the standard "we shouldn't be doing this I care about my husband" line. Okayee.

An hour later she was out the door. Had to pick up some groceries at Shoprite on her way home.
We kiss and she's outtie. The Guard is smiling sheepishly ...Bombaclaat.
I'm bored with this shit. Was on Autopilot all through. I got some Blue berry Cheesecake Ice cream in the freezer. Now that's Heaven.

NB. Meanwhile, If you beleive that was me.O wa very sick. You need to go get checked fo'shizzle